Not now, never or shall be

All the tea that's fit to spill.

Thank you for coming here today to hear my announcement. For the record, I want you all to know that I am not now, nor ever have been, nor ever was, nor ever shall be in a relationship with a now deceased sex-trafficking pedophile or his criminal accomplice.

Certainly, we may have moved in the same circles, ellipses, tangential lines, parallel paths, adjacencies, intersecting lines, x-axis, y-axis, or vanishing lines, but we were not in what you might refer to as a relationship. Of course, we were relational in the sense of different celestial bodies that have some kind of gravitational effect on each other and had seen each other across a room and may have, in what is considered societal common courtesy, approached one another and greeted each other in a non-committal arm hug (definitely no bodily contact). Perhaps our cheeks brushed against each other’s, causing a small electrical spark that merely reflected opposing charges, which in turn may have caused a sensation in the skin that stimulated a natural response in the limbic system. That response, combined with other senses inherently triggered, a tingling throughout the rest of my body in what some people may refer to as a domino effect of the nervous system that set off a sort of avalanche of hormones and burning desire, but that is a normal and a common response to meeting someone dangerous, intoxicatingly charismatic, and powerful. It's the type of contact you might have in a multi-coupling orgy with dozens of strangers in a darkened, poorly decorated room on a tropical island. I'm not talking about a weird "Eyes Wide Shut" kind of deal, but more of a bacchanalian, Roman affair where bystanders and servants kept a record of your number of orgasms throughout the evening (how else would you know who deserved tickets to the 50-50 door prize?).

But we were not in a relationship, and rarely spoke beyond the niceties of a social function, rambling discussions about the people we didn't like (we had that in common, I suppose), long suggestive e-mail correspondence in which we planned the demise of people we didn't like, and naughty, frequently sexual text messages. But not a relationship. Not really.

I hope I've made myself clear as I know that English is not your first language, nor mine. Who really would choose English first? Italian and French are far more beautiful, languid, and lyrical languages, even if it takes a lot longer to say what you want to say. English is far more concise, what with all the words it has borrowed through the centuries, from Italian, French, German, Saxon, Urdu, and Scandinavian languages to name a few. Some might say English is really just poorly pronounced French, but I'm not one of those people.

With that, I will finish by saying, once again, I never had relations with that person that no one else is talking about, and I will now turn away in disgust at your insinuations and haughtily leave the room through a secret door hidden by a bookcase without answering any of your vexing questions about why we were ever here in the first place.