Tuesday, June 18, 2019

I Lost More Than I Gained 

“I could tell you the temperature and wind speed by feel. I knew the humidity index by my sweat. I knew the date by the moon.”
I use to have a bad habit of coming home from work, lying down and having a solid nap. I’d wake up, weigh myself, then feel guilty and go for a run. By the time I got home and showered I’d be eating supper sometimes as late as 10 PM. Then I’d go to bed and sleep like a baby. Sleeping well was the first thing I lost when I stopped exercising but it wasn’t the only thing. It’s been ages since I’ve run regularly and in the meantime I gained weight and got doughy. Like 20 lbs doughy. I’ve since realized I've lost more than I gained.

When you run all the time you get to know your neighbourhood. I knew every pothole, every stage of every construction project. I recognized other runners who were regulars. I knew if I was ahead or behind schedule by who was sitting on their porch. I knew when the SPCA volunteers would walk the dogs in their care. I even knew those dogs. I knew cats that prowled and scurried from shrubs or beneath cars. I knew what flowers bloomed when. What trees budded and for how long. Because I often ran at dusk, I had a sense of how the moon was waxing or waning. I knew the mix of smells, mostly sour and urban, but some sweet and floral. I knew which neighbourhoods smoked more pot than others from the pungent acrid smoke that followed the men on their evening walk. I knew the sounds of kids and the names that would be yelled across the park. I knew which birds to avoid in the Common - trust me, do not turn your back on a redwing blackbird. I knew when the raspberries beneath a public art piece were ripe or that there were berries there at all. I knew which water fountains worked and where new ones were installed (the new ones have a spout for pets near the ground and a taller faucet for refilling water bottles). I knew when ball games were played or when local teams practised. I knew which sidewalks had heaved in the spring and which had crumbled in the fall. I knew which street lamps were faulty and which alleyways were lit. I knew when streetlights would change and could count the seconds accurately in my head (“1 Jeremy Irons, 2 Jeremy Irons, 3 Jeremy Irons, go). I knew when garbage trucks took which street’s waste. I knew which houses had well kept gardens and which apartments ordered a lot of fast food. I knew where the cabbies gathered to break and talk their native language.

I could tell you the temperature and wind speed by feel. I knew the humidity index by my sweat. I knew the date by the moon. I could tell you the next day’s weather by the clouds. I could sense who won the big game by the traffic on the Gardiner. I knew people’s private moments when they thought no one was near. I startled more than a few couples canoodling (poodle faking as a friend’s father would say).

I knew my pace by counting in my head. I knew how far I’d gone by my steps. I knew how to add 500m more, 1 km more, 2.5 km more by lampposts and stop signs. I knew my heart rate from touch. I knew my body fat from a pinch. I knew my weight to the gram by my lightness. I knew every street name, stop sign, no parking zone and house number. I knew where raccoons gathered, where rats were plentiful, where rabbits hid, where foxes, deer or raptors might be seen. I knew the time of night by the stillness. I knew the darkness because I ran within it. I knew where crackheads smoked, vomited and pissed. I knew where the prostitutes stood, bored and anxious. I knew where the cops slept. I knew when the seasons changed by taste. I knew when the skateboarders would land their jump or stumble from their boards. I knew when grass was cut, where drugs were sold, where dogs crapped and where drunks passed out. I knew the city better than the back of my hand because, honestly, the back of my hand isn’t that interesting.

But that’s all lost to me now.

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Friday, June 14, 2019

Seen in May 

Some enchanted evening - Dany and Jon Snow take a walk in Season 8 of Game of Thrones, image via The Movie Db

A lot of time was invested in May in the final season of Game of Thrones and the Raptors' unprecedented playoff run (to victory! Go Raps!) Was it worth it? Sure. As much as anything that involves lying on the couch is worth anything I guess. I'm sure I could've been doing something else. Doing taxes? Did it. Exercise? Tomorrow or maybe on the weekend. In the end, there are only the memories. Now, what was I talking about? Oh right, movies and stuff.

Yossarian makes his case for his sanity, image via The Movie Db


This is the 1970 film based on the seminal novel of the same name from Joseph Heller. The novel and its title have became a sort of cultural touchstone of the madness of modern warfare. Set in the Mediterranean theatre air campaign of WWII, pilot Yossarian desires nothing more than a break from flying missions. Yet every time he and his fellow pilots are approaching the set limit of flight missions, the number is raised by their superiors. The only way to get out of flying additional missions is to be declared unfit to fly by insanity. The only way to be considered for such a recommendation is to request it from the base doctor who is the only one who can grant it. The catch? Only a reasonably sane individual would ask to be relieved of this duty, therefore the pilot asking for this exception must be sane and is thus fit to fly. I’m surprised this paradox hasn’t been pointed out more often recently as it’s been the basis of the US Attorney General’s reasoning on why the President of the United States hasn’t committed any crimes. Basically, because no actions of a sitting president can be considered criminal it is therefore impossible for a sitting president to commit a crime. This of course is nonsensical and forms the background to a kind of madcap escapade of the absurdity of modern warfare and American capitalism. Milo Minderbinder’s explanation of how eggs purchased at a loss from Malta vendors can be sold at a profit to the US Military as long as the transaction passes through the profiteering “Corporation” and a ready supply of silk can be provided to Egyptians even if the silk comes from the parachutes of American pilots is the level of satire that is the entire basis of this film.

The Tick Season 02

Season 2 ticked along, reliably goofy with underwhelming effects and costumes.

Emily Blunt doesn't take any guff in Sicario, well, some guff, but not much. Image via The Movie Db


This slightly confusing drug thriller is as good as it gets. Excellent performances from Benicio del Toro, Emily Blunt and Josh Brolin underpin a conspiracy between the CIA working with (or against) the FBI to work with one cartel to undermine another more violent one. Who knows if these kind of operations ever happen but the infamous violence of the cartels is frighteningly depicted here as are their methods of stash houses and tunnelling. I don't know why I put off seeing this for so long but it is definitely worth watching. You'll also realize how deft a director Denis Villeneuve is and just why he's so sought after.
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Monday, June 03, 2019

Double Pane Happiness 

Through a glass darkly… the windows have a UV blocking film that gives the dark yet sparkly appearance.

“Double Happiness!”, he said.

“Sorry?”, I replied.

“Your address. 88. The number 4 in Asian culture is lucky, so '8' is double that. Hey, '88' must be quadruple happiness?!”

My friend's effusive discovery of my home's built-in luck, did momentarily charm me. Admittedly there are many days that I have not felt happy about my home purchase. To walk through a list of “disappointments” or complaints would either make me sound like a whiner, a prat, or a weak-spined man who did not take control of the reins of his destiny and instead fell into a fetal curl. There are some things money cannot fix, but when it comes to real estate, money can put its shoulder to a problem and make a push towards posterity.

Last year, I cut off one limb to strengthen another. By replacing my fence, deck and shed I put a nail in any possible claim on a parking space but it improved my day to day life tenfold. I suddenly had a usable shed, a respectable deck and fence and most importantly, a locked and fenced off area for my garbage and recycling bins. The bins need to be locked up not because they may escape, but because of all of the crazy escapades and illegal dumping that happened because there was an unused space behind my house. Whether there was a car there or not, garbage from unseen, unknown and known places piled up, inviting rats, both four-legged and two-legged to rummage and add to the detritus. Used needles and condoms were so commonplace it led one friend to say that with all the sex and drugs apparently taking place that my house was more fun outside of it, than within. Touché.

Less than a year later and those problems are mostly history (mostly) and now I have added spectacular new windows that look like they landed from the future on my house. Suddenly my place looks, if not great, then in the least, not bad. I like seeing it. From inside it’s quieter and brighter and just looks better. They say fences make good neighbours but that isn’t true. Good and high fences make you care less about whatever crap your neighbours are up to.

They also say money can’t buy happiness but of course it can buy things that can make you happy, so screw you, old saying. Sometimes money can buy happiness and when you are buying tall fences, lovely decking, a bit of security and double pane windows, it can even be quadruple happiness.