Tuesday, May 12, 2020

21 Things That Will Be Different in the Future 


image of an office in a parking lot
The Office of the Future

The question keeps coming up. After a global epidemic has ravaged our populations and our economies, what will the future look like? What will the future of work be; what will the future of travel be; what will entertainment, sports, or restaurants look like? I think I have some answers.
1. Those that can, will continue to work from home. These couch to desk commuters will also replace coffee breaks with coffee naps, they’ll realize dogs make better office mates and they’ll never have to label their lunch again.

2. Time is a construct that we can live without. People will throw away watches, clocks and calendars and measure time by the phases of the moons. We will also abolish the nonsense that is Daylight Saving Time which never saved anyone any time ever.

3. Belts will have no place in the future. All pants will be held up by drawstrings that are sewn into the waist of trousers. Business casual will become “atheleisure” and loungewear. Once everyone realizes no athletes are leisurely wearing such things, we will settle on wearing work pyjamas.

4. Thefts of Amazon parcels on our porches will cease because we’re all just sitting here waiting for our packages to arrive.

5. Breakfast cocktails and ice cream lunches will become the accepted norm.

6. After parents spend weeks attempting to tutor or otherwise tame their children, the birthrate will drop. Divorces will go up.

7. Children will never have to be told of “stranger danger” ever again as they will have learned to stay two metres away from anyone they don’t live with.

8. Teachers and nurses will be cherished until they fail your kid or stick a needle in you.

9. All restaurants will become patios. All patios will become restaurants. All movies will be shown in the open air in parks or parking lots. Drive-in theatres will be revived. As will drive-in restaurants like those ones in the 50s with carhops on roller skates though it won’t be as cute as before because of mandatory helmets, elbow pads, knee pads and face masks.

10. Of course, there will be face masks. People will embrace the Asian fashion of wearing stylish masks and face shields of various themes. Brightly coloured latex gloves will be considered an important accessory.

11. There will be a giant island of brightly coloured latex gloves and disposable face shields floating in the Pacific.

12. Air travel will become even more expensive and an even greater pain in the ass.

13. Movie theatres will fade from memory but wall-sized televisions will be common.

14. People will rediscover books, reading and diary keeping. Everyone will write bad poetry.

15. Weigh scales will be repurposed as tiny floor shelves which will hold stacks and stacks of personal journals.

16. Every appliance will have a built-in camera so that you can carry on a video chat without having to hold a phone up to your face.

17. Due to an excess of screen time and a lack of sunlight, vitamin D deficiency will explode within northern populations and eye health will diminish greatly. This will lead to almost every citizen wearing corrective lens face shields.

18. The inability to visit hair salons or barbershops, means most people will opt for completely uncut hair or shaved heads. All recreational sports teams will then be divided into Hairs vs Skins.

19. All professional sports will be played virtually by Korean teen-agers. Twitch will become the most powerful entertainment platform humanity has ever known.

20. Religion won’t change much except that the numbers of the devout will plummet as practitioners succumb to a variety of infectious diseases.

21. As the adventurous among us die from exposure to any number of viruses, the meek and cautious will prevail until after about eight generations, our coats will become spotted, our ears will become floppy and our tails will curl upwards.

I did mention the tails right? No? Well, we’ll all have tails.

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