Monday, January 04, 2016

Viral Letter 

Hey there,
It's me, your cold. First I’d like to say what an honour it is to be in the position to have been your last cold of 2015 and your first cold of 2016. I know I lingered around in the back of your throat for a few days before I became really obvious but that’s partly your immune system’s fault, not mine. Also, you do take a lot of zinc supplements which makes it hard for a throat infection to stick and you were drinking a bit of alcohol which probably cleared some of your congestion. You really didn’t leave me with a lot of options, that’s why I had to practically yell at you with that sinus headache.

Sorry about ruining your Saturday morning latte. If you could only take a hint, you would’ve gone for the green tea instead. But nope, like a dope you were determined to have that big cup of milky, mucous-manufacturing snot bomb of a coffee. Again, that’s on you, not me. I was surprised you took the bike out for a spin. I mean, dude… were you hoping to freeze me out? You have to know that won’t work. I was pretty glad when you came to your senses, and just lay down on the couch – unless that was just your regular Saturday nap? I assumed when you woke up two hours later you would’ve finally figured it out. I know I’m not the biggest cold but if you’d hit the mat on Friday like I suggested this would’ve all been over by now and we both could have gone our separate ways. I mean, really, you know my Kryptonite just happens to be one of your favourite things: sleep. You could’ve just slept through the weekend and started Monday on the right foot. But no, you had to be a big man and drug up and go out and do your errands and stay up watching your movies (half awake I might add).

I’m glad you did it though. It allowed me to stay just a little bit longer and get to know you a smidge better than if you’d had soup instead of cheese covered pasta and hit the hay rather than stay up late. I won’t forget what you did for me. You allowed me to stay in this world a few days more rather than flicker out like a mayfly. You helped me spread my progeny by ignoring my existence. For that I say, “Thanks, brother.”

But before I go, I need to know that after all we’ve been through, from St. John’s, the workouts, the runs, the four hour flight, the train and cab ride… from the sinus pain, the massive pressing headache (that’s kind of my signature thing), the pain around your eyes, the sore throat (hey man, I know how much you hate the sore throat and I’m sorry about that, I get it. I do)… after all that, we’re good, right? You and me? I want us to part on good terms, you know?

Thanks, bro…

Sincerely,
Your Cold

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