Quiet the Monkey 

“Welcome to the wild, wanking, poo-flinging primate that is my mind.”

My mind is a laughing wild monkey, or some kind of monkey that is laughing wildly and throwing shit everywhere… and probably masturbating while watching ants or something really messed up like that.

Why? Well, “work”, partly. It’s just all out of control and whatnot. Deadlines. Lines of Death. Deathly lines, stalking me.

That and I’m moving into a new house which is still being painted and having the floors refinished, but I haven’t started packing due to a box shortage and I haven’t booked a mover due to a brain cell shortage.

Oh and I’m trying to convince people to give me a whole boatload of money to Kick Cancer’s Ass* while simultaneously trying to get fit enough to complete the charity ride I'm raising the money for.

To recap: work is a waking nightmare, getting a house ready to move in to, trying to pack up my woefully tatty belongings, struggling to become physically fit in a little more than a fortnight and finally attempting to raise enough money to meet my fundraising goals.

Welcome to the wild, wanking, poo-flinging primate that is my mind.

How to quiet this beast? Booze is not helping as it puts a kink in the getting fit thing. Drugs? Haven’t found anything helpful (see: Booze). Meditation? I’ve never really found the time… I wish “spanking the monkey” would quiet the monkey; only seems to get him riled up.

The one thing that was appeasing me was the cartoon “Adventure Time”. Ostensibly about a boy, Finn and his best friend and magical dog Jake, going on super fun mini-quests because they are heroes after all. Then I read this article that cast a pall over the whole proceedings. The review claimed, probably correctly, that Finn is in fact the last human in a post-apocalyptic world where all the strange magic and demons are after effects of some unknown but devastating war. After reading this, I’m just finding the whole thing a very sad affair. The joy has been tainted by the bitterness. My other favourite monkey-quietening show, “The Regular Show”, about the misadventures of two slacker friends, Rigby a raccoon and Mordecai a blue jay, is, to be frank, just weird enough to make my monkey-mind even less quiet.

I might also add, writing blog posts after midnight about how loud and crazy my monkey brain has been lately also does not quiet the monkey.

Now I've turned to two things that have helped me so much in the past. To Do lists and dirty dishes. I find it much easier to not worry about things so much if I just write down exactly what it is I'm so worried about. This is manifested in the common To Do list. If it's on the list, it isn't in my head. Then there's dirty dishes. I don't like going to bed with dishes in the sink. My thoughts coalesce on those dishes like so much congealed fat. I hate doing dishes, but while I'm washing the assorted plates and pots I'll listen to music. Last week, in the fugue state of wiping and rinsing, I was listening to a mournful Nick Drake track and I thought to myself, “This is a nice break…” as though I was having a mini-vacation from myself. There I stood, wiping inconsequential bits of china and flatware, mindlessly lost in the music. That bit of unthinking was such a little gift. The monkey was finally distracted and dozing in a sunbeam.

I could at last check that off my list:
-Quiet the Monkey: Check.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and he’ll be awake too, making all his incessant monkey noises. Luckily there will be dirty dishes.

*My words, official the Ride to Conquer Cancer aims to “Conquer Cancer in Our Lifetime” - You can donate here