Sunday, April 11, 2021

You're doing everything wrong.

Nope. You are definitely not walking correctly

You’re doing everything wrong.

It’s actually a wonder you’re still alive. How are you even surviving? I’m surviving well, thanks for asking. I’m not sure how but I kind of feel like I’m doing something right. Of course, it’s easier for me. I’m a middle-aged, educated white guy. Although I self-identify as a “Newfoundlander” and 19-years-old, which is the age you can do almost anything to your body without consequences. Now there are consequences but I’m also at the age when I care very little about such things.
Despite all the evidence that I am doing everything wrong, I’m OK. In fact I’m not just surviving, I’m thriving. Which brings me to my point. Maybe I’m not doing anything wrong. Maybe everyone else should be like me. I’m confident that even though I sometimes overcook my eggs or make bitter coffee, I’m sure it’ll work out next time and though I could stand to lose 10-15 lbs I’m not obese or diabetic. If I’m walking wrong, I’ll ride my bike instead or put corrective insoles in my shoes. If I don’t get enough sleep, I’ll take a nap. If I overeat, I’ll cut back. If I’m breathing wrong, I’ll die and when you put my name on that piece of rock, add this epitaph, “He breathed as he wanted, so tell the author of Breath to suck it.” After all, I’m having a pretty good life so if this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Could it be, all the click-bait articles are mostly wrong? Generally, statistically speaking, people aren't dying from eating wrong, if anything most people are too good at eating. People aren't dying from exercising wrong, more likely from not exercising at all. Your cat is OK if you pet her wrong or trust me, she will let you know. If you're running wrong, don't worry, your knees will let you know. People aren't forgetting to breathe through their nose, their noses are behind a mask, which is making it hard to breathe. If you cook your eggs wrong, it really only bothers Gordon Ramsay and be honest, it's fun to bother Gordon Ramsay (he gets so cussy and jumpy as if anyone really cares if the Beef Wellington is over cooked. When was the last time you even thought about Beef Wellington?) If you're making your coffee wrong, your name might be Starbucks, everyone else can continue what you're doing. You do you.
When it comes down to it, all of this media looking desperately for your clicks is probably an indication that someone else is doing journalism wrong. When so much of the news is more interested in "Man Bites Dog" stories, there's a chance that you're biting your dog wrong.


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