Out, Out! 

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas

Lately we've had squirrels in the attic. Not metaphorically, but really. Maybe furry little critters are all cute and cuddly in Muppet form when they're playing in a jug band trying to earn a little extra scratch for Christmas, but that's a one time thing and besides, they weren't real and they were otters so the likelihood of them in my attic is next to nil. These were real, live, scratching, chewing and gnashing squirrels. Their rodent teeth and nails scratched and clawed their way into our sleep. I mistakenly thought the damn things had entered our walls via our neighbour's but as I was talking to him about it, we saw the lil' bastards scamper along the eaves trough and disappear into our soffit.

One trip-up-the-ladder later, I had picked up some needed odds and ends at the hardware store and went about the business of blocking the fist-sized hole. That's right, I was the landlord and I was changing the locks. To make the spot even less inviting my neighbour offered up some dog hair (apparently squirrels hate it) so there I was, up on the ladder filling a hole with dog hair, a block of wood and affixing a piece of flashing over it.

Oddly, it was at that moment that every neighbour on the whole street decided to emerge to say their "Hello there!" Hell, can't you see I'm up on a ladder with my hand jammed in the lair of the enemy? I'm up here gettin' it done y'all! I ain't got time to be all, "Hey, how you doin'? Let's discuss the recent election." I'm at war here. I'm suppressing the insurgents. This is hand-to-sharpened-claw combat! This is urban warfare at its grittiest.

Was it worth it? Oh yeah. Did I put a couple of squirrels out in the cold? Oh yeah. Did I have the best night's sleep in weeks? Oh yes, yes I did. Sorry squirrels, you'll have to take your rat-like countenance elsewhere.